Monday, January 21, 2013

Even if the healing doesn't come...

Hey everyone!!!!
 The year is 2013...I mean really...It's 2013 people
  what the suck?! 
I hope everyone is having an amazing new year filled with lots of adventures and great plans. The beginning of this year has been a pretty interesting one already.
 I left 2012 on a sad note and 2013 was rung in with some uncertainty. It's only now that I'm in a place where I can share a little bit of what has been going on.
 On Thanksgiving day at around 1pm, whilst rushing around helping my mom and dad prepare for the festivities, we received a phone call from a family member informing us that one of my cousins had succumbed to her depression and had taken her life. This news hit me with a force that I was not prepared for in any way.

 Though my cousin and I differed in age and did not see each other very often we were able to form a relationship via Facebook. It was there that she began reaching out to me an efforts to keep that side of my family more connected with one another. We would chat here and there about random things; sushi, surfing, running (she was an avid runner) and athletics. She was always super positive, turning any negative comment I would make into a positive one. Despite her positivity, her demons from her past seemed to be inescapable to her.

 Shelly was a strong, reserved woman, and really really smart. Traits that suited her well in her field of work. Shelly was a police officer and a damn good one at that...I remember asking her if she would let me off the hook if she ever pulled me over for speeding and her response was "hell no,I have to hold you responsible, but I wouldn't tell your mom" haha.

   Now things changed seriously when she was nearly killed in the line of duty and was forced to return fire...killing the suspect. I don't care what anyone says, whether "deserved", accidental or justified in any way, killing a human being does not come without serious consequences. Shelly fell into serious depression and from what I've learned she battled it on and off for some time.

 The night before Thanksgiving Shelly and I began chatting about art and food and our Thanksgiving plans, but I was busy with something stupid and stopped the conversation. Looking back I can't help but wonder if perhaps she was reaching out to me in search of some kind of solace. Someone to ask her how she was feeling, someone to be loving or to let her know that she was loved and appreciated. Maybe she just wanted someone to talk to who would give her some kind of council. Whatever the reason, I give any of that. It's so strange to think that at one moment someone can be there, visible,tangible, audible...then the next moment they are gone. As often as it is doesn't seem  truly relatable until it happens in one's life.

 Then while we were still reeling from that horrible tragedy, my mother received word from her doctor that they had found a mass in her breast. My mother is an extremely strong woman, an matriarchal anchor in the often tumultuous sea that is my very large extended family.  Seeing my mother in such a fearful state was almost too much to bear. Getting calls from the radiology department, various doctors and nurses, receiving paperwork and booklets from doctors explaining chemotherapy  and different cancer-eliminating options was terrifying to everyone especially my mom.

  So while we mourned the loss of one, we waited with baited breath to hear the news of my moms biopsy. It was completely emotionally draining...sleepless nights....bad dreams....a constant upset stomach and SO MANY TEARS. I was a wreck. Prayer was my greatest friend in that awful time.  Then one day, a few days before Christmas my mom took me out to breakfast. we spoke about a lot of things but one thing I couldn't help but notice was that she was so at peace. She knew that whatever the circumstance, whatever diagnosis, whatever treatment she would receive...God would be with her providing a way. one thing she told me is that she would remain strong in her faith, remain strong as a person and always give God praise no matter what the outcome. She played a song for me one day that just totally spoke to me in the entire situation we were facing. It said that even if the healing we desired did not come to us, we would still give God the the sunshine and through the storm.

Well just this week we got a call from the radiologist............clean,
The mass was benign and there is no traces of cancer in my mom's body. Oh man did the tears flow that day.   We were all so overcome with emotion we could do nothing more than embrace eachother and cry.

I'm so thankful that my mother is still here with me, and I'm thankful for the time and the relationship I was able to share with Shelly. In this new year don't take anyone for granted.  Spend real time with the ones you love and tell them how much you love them because we are never guaranteed tomorrow.

it's late and I think I've word vomited enough for now

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