I am unfriendly

in my dressing room before a show...you got it...door closed and all alone!

Well....actually, I'm not! Or at least I don't think I am....
Buuuutttt, there are some people who would disagree.

I mean, even a couple of my friends have admitted to me that they thought I was really stuck up before they got to know me; and thought I was a total snob because I didn't talk to them in dance classes or I had a "don't mess with me" look on my face.

Well, as you can probably imagine, I was totally confused by this.

"WHAT?  ME???? AN UNFRIENDLY SNOB?"

I DEF don't feel like I'm in any position to think I'm above anyone...

except for people who say carmle instead of caramel...I'm totally better than you

 After some crying self observation, I think I've begun to discover/understand the root of the problem.

So, 1. I'm über shy and awkward!

Like seriously, I get anxiety having to go to the bank and talk to a teller (ATM ftw!)
I get nervous when I meet new people or when strangers try to make conversation. I get nervous when there is a group of people that are all friends and I only know like one or two people.

ughhhh, I can't believe I'm admitting this -_-

When at "Hollywood" or industry parties, you can usually find me posted in the food area instead of networking like a smart business man would.
 I'm like "Hi food, you can be my friend and we can hang out all night, we don't need anyone! Perf!"

Ok, now this one seems to be a REAL biggie......

2. I can get like, really, really intense and hyper-focused.

When I'm in dance classes, I get really in-the-zone.  Because I'm so freakin' shy I guess I just pour everything into my training and if I have a pissed face, it is only because I'm really hard on myself.  It's not directed toward anyone...for the most part lol.

Oh.. and before a show?...omg...don't even try to talk to me while I'm in the makeup chair.  I am taking that time to just zero in on everything, and between sets or shows I will usually curl up in the dressing room all by myself.

It's not that I'm trying to be rude or anything...I just need that time for my own sanity and to calm my nerves..and honesty...sometimes it's just easier to be alone.

I mean, I want to be social.... I want to be friendly...I guess, sometimes I just don't really know how.

It just sucks that people misconstrue my shyness for arrogance. :(

now I just feel whiney *rme* 

I think I definitely have to learn how to take the person I am at home,with my friends and family, who I am onstage and translate it into who I want to be in social situations.....

Just part of my life journey I suppose or maybe just some more ramblings of a Boi.




note to self: ok Jeshua, no more writing at 3 am....